O that green grass.

flickr/ by Xelcise

Somewhere, always, there is greener grass, right?

Perhaps it is making more money. Perhaps it is finding the love of your life. Perhaps it is having children. Perhaps it is attaining a better figure. Perhaps it is getting another degree. Perhaps it is getting more personal acclaim and affirmation. Perhaps it is ___________ (fill in the blank).

"Grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side-itis" is a syndrome that I have always struggled with. I think we all do, to one degree or another.

This morning when I woke up, dragging myself out of bed and not looking forward to another lonesome afternoon/evening ahead of me, I felt it's pangs.

If only I was married. If only I had a family of my own. If only I was more sanguine. If only I didn't experience this loneliness, these feelings of futility (Etc., etc.)

In my mind, I am constantly striving after an arbitrary set of standards and expectations I have conjured up for "the way things should be." Anything that falls short of these expectations, I often chalk up as another one of life's inevitable disappointments, or one of my own personal shortcomings. Boy do those pile up when you are looking for them.

As I made my way to the kitchen this morning to dump my same old cereal, into that same old bowl, I thought, that I simply must renounce such thoughts about how much happier I would be if "X" were different.

My life is all that I have in front of me. My life is everything that I have in front of me, and for that reason I should be in awe. Every beautiful, broken, gifted, and redeemed thing I have in front of me.

I have been reading the book "1000 Gifts" by Ann Vokscamp, and the premise of her book lies in the proposition to embrace our lives and everything in our lives as gifts from the Father, and it has really challenged me to think through this lens.

It certainly is not easy though. It's not easy to surrender dreams, and open your heart to God, fully and completely.

As I was pondering all of this this morning, I was thinking about what it all comes down to is giving up grasping. Because essentially, I am grasping for what I think would be best in my life right now. Grasping for a husband, grasping to start a family of my own, grasping for a carefree and burden-free heart, grasping for talents and gifts that are not my own. Grasping for that ever elusive green grass in the distance.

But does anyone truly find fulfillment in grasping for what is not theirs, or not theirs yet?

I know in my heart that grasping does not fill the void, but leaves us overextended, and utterly distracted.

I am certain that peace lies in a hundred little fiats, day after day after day. Especially uttering fiats in the most frustrated, lonely, and desolate moments that I do not understand. Perhaps the more I whisper fiat, the more my heart will follow, and the more that my heart follows, the more my grasping hands will draw open in joyful acceptance.

What we have in this moment is what He has for us. One day, after the all of the letting goes have untethered our hearts, that alone will be enough. Fiat.