Not mine to hold

In my women's bible study, we recently talked at length about Hannah and her incredible faith. We marveled not only at the faith and perseverance of Hannah in her steadfast prayer to God to grant her a son, but in her complete surrender of offering her son back to God after He had granted her petition. That a woman could give back to God the very gift that she had been praying for, for so very long, is just mind-boggling. Somehow, in her intense faith, she saw that the greater gift was not just that God granted her a son, but that she could then in turn give her son back to God.

When God grants us a prayer, gives us that gift for which we have been so long begging Him -- isn't it within our nature to hold that gift as tightly as possible? To cherish it closely, never let it out of our sight, and, even though subtly, hold our arms around it protectively, so that it cannot be taken away from us?

Even if it's a little thing, just the hint of the possibility of a desire fulfilled; do we snatch it up and build walls around ourselves? Say to ourselves with satisfaction, "It's about time!" Or, on the other hand, do we hover around this gift, tip-toeing softly, making sure we do not mess it up, or do anything that might destroy the pearl of happiness that stands so precariously in our midst?

It could be a new job, a longed for adventure, the hope of conceiving a child, the blossoming of a new relationship, a new found consolation in the Lord, a refreshing peace of soul. Whatever it is, it is that Evasive Thing; the missing piece to our happiness that we have pleaded for, and pleaded for, and pleaded for. And for all we know, once we get a whiff of it, we better dare not let it out of our sight, lest we never encounter the opportunity once more.

It's funny, the lengths the heart goes to define, and mold, and protect its happiness. As if these things were really ours to hold. When in reality, "every good and perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17) and it is offered to us in His perfect timing, for the glory of His name. I'm pretty sure that the sooner I realize this, and the sooner I acknowledge that everything is His, the sooner peace will prevail in my heart. As I was thinking about all of this and the little ways it is playing out in my life right now, I heard this song by Audrey Assad, "Everything is Yours." It was such a comfort and inspiration to me. A reminder to let go; to give everything back to God. The only thing that I am called to hold onto is the Love which holds me.

tidbits

Wow, I feel like every time I finally decide to write a post, I have to include some sort of an apology or introduction since it's been such a long time since I last wrote. Busy-ness is the main reason for my blogging silence, along with a lack of inspiration of topic ideas and just generally losing some interest, I suppose. So some random tidbits to get the writing juices flowing again...

1. Last month a few young ladies and began a bible study on the women of the bible. It's been wonderful to have fellowship with other young professional ladies like myself. Young adult groups have their place, as does lots of casual time spent in the company of friends. But there is something really special and valuable about getting together with other women who are in the same state of life as you (young and single) and praying together and encouraging each other to grow in holiness. I have already been very blessed by this opportunity, and am grateful for the added accountability and spiritual focus which it has offered me.

2. I have been thoroughly enjoying the autumn here in Tennessee. The days have been sunny, but cooler, and the leaves are on the cusp of changing colors. My parents and youngest sister came down to visit this weekend, and we had a lovely time enjoying Nashville in the fall. One of the highlights was attending a "Full Moon Picking Party", where hundreds of people gathered at a lovely state park to listen to bluegrass bands while sitting out on blankets and folding chairs under the starry sky and (almost) full moon. In addition to the main acts, there were dozens of small circles of "pickers' playing their mandolins, ukuleles, guitars, and other bluegrass instruments. Refreshments for the evening included delicious kettle corn. Tennessee culture at it's best!

3. My current spiritual theme in life is, trusting that I am where God wants me, while continually trying to walk forward into the new "places" He wants to take me. More than anything, these places are new ways of understanding, new risks I am taking, deeper ways to perceive what He has given me, in this very moment.

4. I am beginning to get hungry. I think I will make some Persian Lentil Soup for dinner. The sun is setting and it is starting to get chilly again. Perfect time for some soup!

The Slow Work of God

by Father Pierre Teilhard de Chardin


Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are all, quite naturally, impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown,
something new;

And yet, it is the law of all progress that it is made
by passing through some stages of instability
– and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually — let them grow,
let them shape themselves without undue haste.

Don’t try and force them on as though you could be today
what time (that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will)
will make you tomorrow.

Only God can say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.

Give God the benefit of believing that the Spirit of God
is leading you, forming you, transforming you;

And accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

Submitting all things

Have you ever had that sudden, jolting realization about your spiritual life that for a brief moment, wakes you out of your spiritual stupor?

In particular, the realization that when you think you trusting, laying your life and your future in God's hands, surrendering to His will, suddenly as clear as day you see that there are one or two prayers that you do not believe God will answer? Parts of your heart that you refuse to lay bare to the Father, because you fear utter disappointment?

I struggle intensely with the tug-of-war between resignation to life's circumstances, and tenacious trust in God's power.

How do we expect that life will be full of our own "bitter cups", large and small, while clinging with hope against hope that Christ makes all things new?

I suppose that this is the Christian paradox, but one that we are called to wrestle with each step of the spiritual journey.

Do you with eyes lifted to the sky pray for the miracle, the gift? Or do you tense your back a little tighter because you anticipate the inevitability of the cross?

I am not graceful enough yet, to pray for the gift, to look into the Savior's eyes and plead with Him, that His will be done in my life. Is it that I am not brave enough to bear the cross? But I wonder if it isn't rather, that I am not brave enough to bear the gift.

I am not brave enough to realize that the Father, when I ask for an egg, will not give me a scorpion (Luke 11:11). I am not brave enough to trust in the depth of His love and the way that it covers all things in my life.

It is moments like these that make me realize that my faith often coasts on the firm grounds of life, but falters when it must leap.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to." ~ Philippians 4:6

On problems, on finding joy

It's Saturday morning...I have a hundred things I have to do, but per usual, I am waking up slowly and pondering deep thoughts to harness some inspiration to tackle life's details.

Just a few quick thoughts.

You know how many churches, mostly Protestant, having sayings on their front boards -- often very cheesy, occasionally actually inspirational? The other day I came across one that really stuck with me:

"God's plans are bigger than your problems"

Sure, it's a simple and basic concept. But somehow the phrasing of it really struck me. Sometimes our problems seem so big. But remembering that God's plans are infinitely bigger than our 'problems' is so reassuring.

Secondly, I have been thinking a lot lately, probably as a result of some of the spiritual and recreational reading that I have been doing, that many days, we have to fight for joy.

What a better way for the Enemy to plant seeds of discouragement and dissatisfaction in our life than to attempt to rob us of our joy.

Because we are always fighting against this tension, many times we have to work to choose joy. So many moments in life, it is easier to succomb to dissatisfcation and discouragement than to keep our heads held high and trust in the joy that Christ promises.

Somehow, realizing that choosing joy is often a battle and not a given, is freeing for me. Recognizing that just because I don't feel joy at a particular moment helps me to see that it is not that joy is not elusive, but rather joy simply needs be named, sought and held onto with might and determination.

As Mother Teresa once said, "Let nothing so disturb us, so fill us with sorrow or discouragement, as to make us forfeit the joy of the resurrection."

Amen.

Room for His joy

I love, love summer nights. I love being able to be outside until the later evening hours, enjoying the balmy air and the warm breezes. I love hearing the lulling sound of the crickets, love walking down the streets with the occasional frozen yogurt treat, and sitting out on a restaurant patio, or front porch with good friends and family. It's the best.

I thought I had a commitment tonight, but it turned out it was canceled, so I seized the opportunity to enjoy a warm summer evening outdoors. I went down to Centennial Park, the closest thing that Nashville has to a "city park", which is really quite lovely. It includes a reproduction of the Parthenon (random, but I am not kidding). But what I appreciate more are its pretty gardens, large winding pond, and weeping willows. There is a walking path that circles the circumference of the park, and I especially enjoy walking that path; it reminds me of one of my favorite spots in DC -- the Constitution Garden.

Today I brought a book with me to Centennial Park, and was filled with delight to find of of the wooden glider/swings overlooking a garden area open and calling my name. I spent a wonderful half an hour rocking on the swing, simultaneously reading Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts"

It's interesting, because today I ended up reading passages that book, as well as another book, which were uncannily similar. These sections both focused on the theme of relinquishing our own agendas, so that there is room for the joy that God seeks to give us. I wanted to share these passages here. Perhaps they will challenge and encourage you too.

"How is it that we can be so second-rate in the lives which we have chosen to lead, when in our calmest and truest moments we know that we are capable of the heights? Nearly always it is because we have chosen the lives we lead - or the way of leading them - and have not allowed God to do the choosing for us.

The mistake lies in refusing to look at the alternative that we do not want. We prefer to do our own will, even though it involves a second-rate performance, than to do the will of God which carries with it the promise of holiness and happiness. We know only our own desire: we know only our own desire: happiness and holiness can look after themselves." ~ Dom Hubert Van Zeller, O.S.B., The Inner Search

and then from Ann Voskamp:

"Joy is a flame that glimmers only in the palm of the open and humble hand....The demanding of my own will is the singular force that smothers out joy - nothing else...Dare I ask what I think I deserve? A life of material comfort? A life free of all trials, all hardship, all suffering? A life with no discomfort, no inconveniences? Are there times that a sense of entitlement - expectations - is what inflates self, detonates anger, offends God, extinguishes joy?

...All these years, all these angers, these hardenings, this desire to control, I had thought I had to snap the hand closed to shield joy's fragile flame from the blasts. But palms curled in protective fists fill with darkness, I feel that sharply, even in this...and this realization in all its full emptiness: My own wild desire to protect my joy at all costs is the exact force that kills my joy.

...Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control...let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper surprised thanks...Fullness of joy is only discovered through the emptying of the will." ~ Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

My Pentecost Prayer

Holy Spirit,
Come and pour your Spirit upon me.
May your Spirit penetrate my life, and fill me with the grace of God.
I pray that the Spirit might give me all the gifts and graces that I need in my life, right now.
That I might remember that the now is exactly where God wants me to be, and His Spirit is sufficient for my life in this moment.
May the Spirit give me the grace of perseverance that in the midst of uncertainty and give me the strength I need to persist along the daily path to seek holiness.
By the power of the Holy Spirit, may I be convicted that I am being held in the palm of the Father's hand, and that His grace sustains me and breathes life into me.
Despite life's disappointments and struggles, may the peace of Christ seep into my being, and the triumph of the Cross be ever in my heart.
May the fire of God's love through the Holy Spirit renew my passion for faith, love, service, and life.
May the Holy Spirit set my heart aflame, and transform every crevice of my life, especially the deepest places known only to my Creator.
May I know, through the power of the Holy Spirit that God's presence will renew all that I humbly submit to Him.
Amen.

O that green grass.

flickr/ by Xelcise

Somewhere, always, there is greener grass, right?

Perhaps it is making more money. Perhaps it is finding the love of your life. Perhaps it is having children. Perhaps it is attaining a better figure. Perhaps it is getting another degree. Perhaps it is getting more personal acclaim and affirmation. Perhaps it is ___________ (fill in the blank).

"Grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side-itis" is a syndrome that I have always struggled with. I think we all do, to one degree or another.

This morning when I woke up, dragging myself out of bed and not looking forward to another lonesome afternoon/evening ahead of me, I felt it's pangs.

If only I was married. If only I had a family of my own. If only I was more sanguine. If only I didn't experience this loneliness, these feelings of futility (Etc., etc.)

In my mind, I am constantly striving after an arbitrary set of standards and expectations I have conjured up for "the way things should be." Anything that falls short of these expectations, I often chalk up as another one of life's inevitable disappointments, or one of my own personal shortcomings. Boy do those pile up when you are looking for them.

As I made my way to the kitchen this morning to dump my same old cereal, into that same old bowl, I thought, that I simply must renounce such thoughts about how much happier I would be if "X" were different.

My life is all that I have in front of me. My life is everything that I have in front of me, and for that reason I should be in awe. Every beautiful, broken, gifted, and redeemed thing I have in front of me.

I have been reading the book "1000 Gifts" by Ann Vokscamp, and the premise of her book lies in the proposition to embrace our lives and everything in our lives as gifts from the Father, and it has really challenged me to think through this lens.

It certainly is not easy though. It's not easy to surrender dreams, and open your heart to God, fully and completely.

As I was pondering all of this this morning, I was thinking about what it all comes down to is giving up grasping. Because essentially, I am grasping for what I think would be best in my life right now. Grasping for a husband, grasping to start a family of my own, grasping for a carefree and burden-free heart, grasping for talents and gifts that are not my own. Grasping for that ever elusive green grass in the distance.

But does anyone truly find fulfillment in grasping for what is not theirs, or not theirs yet?

I know in my heart that grasping does not fill the void, but leaves us overextended, and utterly distracted.

I am certain that peace lies in a hundred little fiats, day after day after day. Especially uttering fiats in the most frustrated, lonely, and desolate moments that I do not understand. Perhaps the more I whisper fiat, the more my heart will follow, and the more that my heart follows, the more my grasping hands will draw open in joyful acceptance.

What we have in this moment is what He has for us. One day, after the all of the letting goes have untethered our hearts, that alone will be enough. Fiat.

Resting in God's mercy

I think that anxiety about the future is a feeling we all experience. I know I experience this. Just when I am think I am comfortable and content with a situation or state in life, I begin to think to myself, "Ok, so, I am comfortable now, but what about in 5 years? I have no idea what I will be doing 5 years from now!" How cunning the enemy is: how he knows this will rob us of our peace.

I have definitely found myself to get caught up in this anxiety about the future, and in certain seasons of my life, this has been a more constant burden. Thankfully, as I am still getting settled and riding along the adventure of moving to a new city and having a new job, I don't experience this preoccupation with the future as much. I have enough adjustment and challenges to keep me busy now! But I have noticed that sometimes, the less I have to worry about figuring out in the present moment, the more room I have for anxiety about the future.

And so, as I caught myself on multiple occasions falling prey to this trap of the enemy lately, I have begun to strategize a response. When I begin to start becoming preoccupied by the "what ifs?" "what then?" "when, Lord?", I have felt the Lord calling me to reject these preoccupations, and simply rest in the joy and the gift of the present moment. It's ok if I don't know what the path of my future holds; none of us do. My faithfulness and peace is dependant on how fully I am able to surrender to the now. It's dependant on me placing my little heart in His big hands, and to rest, truly rest, in each moment given to me by the Lord.

Words for today

"You must try to never forget that God would not allow...you...to suffer the least fraction that he did not know not to merely be the best way to your ultimate joy, but the essential condition of it, and the only way to it."

~ Caryll Houselander, Letters to Mrs. Boardman (from the book "The Letters of Caryll Houselander)

~ * May you know that His will is your peace, even through your biggest crosses this day. * ~