Words for today

"To Isaiah, the voice said 'Go,' and for each of us there are many voices that say it, but the question is which one we will obey with our lives, which of the voices that call is to be the one we answer. No one can say, of course, except each for himself, but I believe that it is possible to say in general to all of us: we should go with our lives where we most need to go and where we are most needed.

Where we most need to go. Maybe that means that the voice we should listen to as we choose a vocation is the voice that we might think we should listen to least, and that is the voice of our own gladness. What can we do that makes us gladdest, what can we do that leaves us with the strongest sense of sailing true north and of peace, which is much of what gladness is?Is it making things with our hands out of wood or stone or paint on canvas? Or is it making something we hope like truth out of words? Or is it making people laugh in a way that cleanses their spirit? I believe that if it is a thing that makes us truly glad, then it is a good thing and it is our thing and it is the calling voice that we were made to answer with our lives."

~~ Frederick Buechner, "Secrets in the Dark: A Life in Sermons -- Chapter 6, The Calling of Voices"

Be still

"Be still and know I am God" ~ Psalm 46:10

There is something about Advent, particularly this year, that makes me think of the beauty and value of stillness. Perhaps it is the image of that still night in Bethlehem, amidst the starry sky, that the Savior was born. Perhaps it is the stillness of Mary's heart that especially comes to mind - her courageous "Fiat" to bear the Son of God and her singleheartedness to be obedient to God's plan; perhaps it is the beautiful description of how when Christ was born she "pondered all of these things in her heart" (Luke 2:19). Clearly, Our Lady was able to embrace the grace of living in the moment, contemplating the glory of the Lord in her heart and not letting the distractions of the world distract her gaze on the things of the Lord.

It reminds me again how I need stillness in my life. Or, more specifically, stillness in my heart. I am pretty good at "sitting still" and do try to not overload my schedule so much that I don't have at least some time for prayer, reflection, and contemplation. But the time I carve out for these things isn't always a number one priority for me as it should be. Even more so, I see the need in my life for stillness of heart. For having the grace to be still in the Lord -- to know that He is God. Such a simple statement, but what a profound impact it would have on a life that it truly penetrated.

There have been a lot of distractions in my life lately. Mostly good things -- new activities, new opportunities, new people and friendships. But in navigating new territories, my heart has definitely become prone to distraction. Wondering how things will work out. Wondering how all the pieces fit together. Wondering what I should say. Wondering what God thinks. Wondering what's next. A thousand thoughts clamor for my attention, and at the end of the day I find myself exhausted.

"Be still, and know that I am God."

If I could let this stillness seep in, peace would pervade, and those thousand thoughts will be quieted by the knowledge that there is just One that I need.

And in contemplating the One, in basking in this stillness I can wait with a steadfast heart for the coming of my Redeemer.

tidbits

Wow, I feel like every time I finally decide to write a post, I have to include some sort of an apology or introduction since it's been such a long time since I last wrote. Busy-ness is the main reason for my blogging silence, along with a lack of inspiration of topic ideas and just generally losing some interest, I suppose. So some random tidbits to get the writing juices flowing again...

1. Last month a few young ladies and began a bible study on the women of the bible. It's been wonderful to have fellowship with other young professional ladies like myself. Young adult groups have their place, as does lots of casual time spent in the company of friends. But there is something really special and valuable about getting together with other women who are in the same state of life as you (young and single) and praying together and encouraging each other to grow in holiness. I have already been very blessed by this opportunity, and am grateful for the added accountability and spiritual focus which it has offered me.

2. I have been thoroughly enjoying the autumn here in Tennessee. The days have been sunny, but cooler, and the leaves are on the cusp of changing colors. My parents and youngest sister came down to visit this weekend, and we had a lovely time enjoying Nashville in the fall. One of the highlights was attending a "Full Moon Picking Party", where hundreds of people gathered at a lovely state park to listen to bluegrass bands while sitting out on blankets and folding chairs under the starry sky and (almost) full moon. In addition to the main acts, there were dozens of small circles of "pickers' playing their mandolins, ukuleles, guitars, and other bluegrass instruments. Refreshments for the evening included delicious kettle corn. Tennessee culture at it's best!

3. My current spiritual theme in life is, trusting that I am where God wants me, while continually trying to walk forward into the new "places" He wants to take me. More than anything, these places are new ways of understanding, new risks I am taking, deeper ways to perceive what He has given me, in this very moment.

4. I am beginning to get hungry. I think I will make some Persian Lentil Soup for dinner. The sun is setting and it is starting to get chilly again. Perfect time for some soup!

Submitting all things

Have you ever had that sudden, jolting realization about your spiritual life that for a brief moment, wakes you out of your spiritual stupor?

In particular, the realization that when you think you trusting, laying your life and your future in God's hands, surrendering to His will, suddenly as clear as day you see that there are one or two prayers that you do not believe God will answer? Parts of your heart that you refuse to lay bare to the Father, because you fear utter disappointment?

I struggle intensely with the tug-of-war between resignation to life's circumstances, and tenacious trust in God's power.

How do we expect that life will be full of our own "bitter cups", large and small, while clinging with hope against hope that Christ makes all things new?

I suppose that this is the Christian paradox, but one that we are called to wrestle with each step of the spiritual journey.

Do you with eyes lifted to the sky pray for the miracle, the gift? Or do you tense your back a little tighter because you anticipate the inevitability of the cross?

I am not graceful enough yet, to pray for the gift, to look into the Savior's eyes and plead with Him, that His will be done in my life. Is it that I am not brave enough to bear the cross? But I wonder if it isn't rather, that I am not brave enough to bear the gift.

I am not brave enough to realize that the Father, when I ask for an egg, will not give me a scorpion (Luke 11:11). I am not brave enough to trust in the depth of His love and the way that it covers all things in my life.

It is moments like these that make me realize that my faith often coasts on the firm grounds of life, but falters when it must leap.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to." ~ Philippians 4:6

My Pentecost Prayer

Holy Spirit,
Come and pour your Spirit upon me.
May your Spirit penetrate my life, and fill me with the grace of God.
I pray that the Spirit might give me all the gifts and graces that I need in my life, right now.
That I might remember that the now is exactly where God wants me to be, and His Spirit is sufficient for my life in this moment.
May the Spirit give me the grace of perseverance that in the midst of uncertainty and give me the strength I need to persist along the daily path to seek holiness.
By the power of the Holy Spirit, may I be convicted that I am being held in the palm of the Father's hand, and that His grace sustains me and breathes life into me.
Despite life's disappointments and struggles, may the peace of Christ seep into my being, and the triumph of the Cross be ever in my heart.
May the fire of God's love through the Holy Spirit renew my passion for faith, love, service, and life.
May the Holy Spirit set my heart aflame, and transform every crevice of my life, especially the deepest places known only to my Creator.
May I know, through the power of the Holy Spirit that God's presence will renew all that I humbly submit to Him.
Amen.

Advent: Holy Longing

"Let me seek you in desiring you, Lord,

let me desire you in seeking you"

~ St. Anslem

Journey of the Three Magi to Bethlehem

Leonert Bramer, New York Historical Society, Oil on panel, 1638-40

My walk with the Lord has always consisted primarily in a deep sense of longing. Longing to feel the Lord's love truly; longing to sense His presence in my life; longing to know the depths of His mercy; longing to experience His spirit in prayer. For a quite awhile, particularly in my late high school and college years, I experienced a very wrenching period of the dark night of the soul. Not only was my heart longing to feel the Lord's presence, but I felt empty and felt that He was ions away from me. Gradually the intensity of this spiritual dryness has given way to a more apparent consolation from the Lord; the newfound joy in prayer and my relationship with Christ, particularly over the past two years, has filled my heart with gratitude. But nonetheless, I still feel that the incessant longing, the constant restlessness in my heart defines much of my spiritual experience even now.

For a very long time I was frustrated that while people around me seemed to be receiving consolation in prayer and an attractive sense of contentment in life, I continued to be discontent. I felt like I kept begging Him to make His presence known to me, and my prayers fell on deaf ears.

Then in a very grace-filled moment during an All Saints Vigil a few years ago, one of the reflections listed the forms that holiness takes in people; one of the things listed was a burning desire for the Lord. For the first time in my restless walk, I realized that desire for God is a grace in itself; that holy longing is a form of prayer and devotion.

This realization gave me much hope, and renewed my spiritual life in a very dynamic way. I realized that God wasn't simply ignoring my prayers, He was gently feeding me, but at the same time also placing in me a hunger to go deeper.

Since that moment, I have been less frustrated with my "plight", but instead have really embraced meditations, words, and homilies that speak of the beauty and the gift that a longing heart is.

At Mass this week, our parish priest in my home town talked about how Advent is a season of holy longing. It is a time when we do not yet see the Christ-child, but we recognize in a deeper way our desire for our Savior. Advent is a season of eager anticipation, when we allow our longing for Christ to become all the stronger; the more we realize that we need desperately need Jesus, the more room in our hearts we make to welcome our King.

So during this Advent season, we not only need to recognize the reality that our hearts are restless until they rest in Christ, but we make this very yearning our prayer.

In closing, I would like to highlight a wonderful section of an article about Monastic Prayer and the prayer of desire, by Fr. Columban Heaney. If you have time, you really should read the whole article here.

"The idea of waiting is found in many of the psalms. For example, Psalm 39: "I waited, I waited for the Lord till he stooped down to me"; and Psalm 41: "Like the deer that yearns for running streams so my soul is yearning for you, my God". Listening, watching, yearning, longing, thirsting this is what prayer consists of. It does not involve complicated mental activities; it is a simple way of communicating with God. This is the way we communicate with people who are close to us; it is also the way we communicate with God who abides in our hearts. Words are totally inadequate when communicating with God. They are incapable of expressing the deep sentiments of the heart. Only simple but profound expressions of the heart like yearning and watching are able to sustain the depth and intensity of our silent, unspoken prayer.

St. Augustine has expressed this beautifully in the following passage from his Commentary on the Psalms: "All my longing is known to you". Not to men, who cannot see into the heart but to you, my God, is all my desire laid bare. Does your longing lie open to him? Then the Father, who sees in secret, will give you your heart's desire. This very longing is your prayer. Not for nothing did the Apostle tell us 'to pray without ceasing'. Did he mean that we were to be perpetually on our knees, or lying prostrate, or raising our hands? If that is our idea of prayer, I consider that unceasing prayer is beyond our capacity.

There is another kind of prayer, however, interior and continuous: the prayer of desire. Whatever else you are doing, if your desire is for the Sabbath rest, you do not cease to pray. So, then, if you do not wish your prayer to be interrupted, do not let your longing flag. Ceaseless longing will be your ceaseless cry. Let your love fail, and you will fall silent. Who are the people whose cry is silenced? Are they not those of whom it is said: 'Since iniquity has been at large, love has grown cold in the hearts of the majority of men'? Love grown cold means a heart become silent; burning love is the heart's cry. If your love is abiding, your cry will be continuous; a continuous cry is a sign of abiding desire, and abiding desire means that you are ever mindful of your heart's repose" (l9).

St. John Chrysostom teaches the same: "You should not think of prayer as being a matter of words. It is a desire for God, an indescribable devotion, not of human origin, but the gift of God's grace" (20)