O that green grass.

flickr/ by Xelcise

Somewhere, always, there is greener grass, right?

Perhaps it is making more money. Perhaps it is finding the love of your life. Perhaps it is having children. Perhaps it is attaining a better figure. Perhaps it is getting another degree. Perhaps it is getting more personal acclaim and affirmation. Perhaps it is ___________ (fill in the blank).

"Grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side-itis" is a syndrome that I have always struggled with. I think we all do, to one degree or another.

This morning when I woke up, dragging myself out of bed and not looking forward to another lonesome afternoon/evening ahead of me, I felt it's pangs.

If only I was married. If only I had a family of my own. If only I was more sanguine. If only I didn't experience this loneliness, these feelings of futility (Etc., etc.)

In my mind, I am constantly striving after an arbitrary set of standards and expectations I have conjured up for "the way things should be." Anything that falls short of these expectations, I often chalk up as another one of life's inevitable disappointments, or one of my own personal shortcomings. Boy do those pile up when you are looking for them.

As I made my way to the kitchen this morning to dump my same old cereal, into that same old bowl, I thought, that I simply must renounce such thoughts about how much happier I would be if "X" were different.

My life is all that I have in front of me. My life is everything that I have in front of me, and for that reason I should be in awe. Every beautiful, broken, gifted, and redeemed thing I have in front of me.

I have been reading the book "1000 Gifts" by Ann Vokscamp, and the premise of her book lies in the proposition to embrace our lives and everything in our lives as gifts from the Father, and it has really challenged me to think through this lens.

It certainly is not easy though. It's not easy to surrender dreams, and open your heart to God, fully and completely.

As I was pondering all of this this morning, I was thinking about what it all comes down to is giving up grasping. Because essentially, I am grasping for what I think would be best in my life right now. Grasping for a husband, grasping to start a family of my own, grasping for a carefree and burden-free heart, grasping for talents and gifts that are not my own. Grasping for that ever elusive green grass in the distance.

But does anyone truly find fulfillment in grasping for what is not theirs, or not theirs yet?

I know in my heart that grasping does not fill the void, but leaves us overextended, and utterly distracted.

I am certain that peace lies in a hundred little fiats, day after day after day. Especially uttering fiats in the most frustrated, lonely, and desolate moments that I do not understand. Perhaps the more I whisper fiat, the more my heart will follow, and the more that my heart follows, the more my grasping hands will draw open in joyful acceptance.

What we have in this moment is what He has for us. One day, after the all of the letting goes have untethered our hearts, that alone will be enough. Fiat.

Singles and being busy

I think that it is a well known fact that of all the adult population, singles generally have the most "disposable" amount of time on their hands, and freedom to schedule their days on a whim. Most young adult singles, I think, manage to fill up their schedules pretty quickly, sometimes very much stretching themselves thin.

When I lived in Washington, D.C., I was very busy. Much busier than I am now. Some of this had to do with having an established group of friends, and living in a city where there were formal and informal events for Catholic young adults nearly every night of the week. I have gotten involved in the young adult group here in Nashville which is wonderful and has been such a blessing to me, but overall, there are not as many events here, and even informal gatherings are more spread out.

Some of my busyness also had to do with the frenetic pace of life in such a big city, particularly the length of my 1-hour-each-way commute. With a blissfully short 5-minute commute here in Nashville, I definitely have much more time on my hands during the week. Weekends are also less busy, since I don't have family around to spend Saturdays or Sundays with; there are less opportunities to carve out time during the weekend to spend time with family.

This being "less busy" can be both a blessing, and a curse. In many ways, as a single with free time on your hands, especially if you live alone, inevitably leads to more feelings of loneliness.

One of my friends, who is a very active extrovert, says that she specifically plans lots of activities and gets involved with lots of different groups, charities, and commitments just so she does not have to be at her apartment alone to experience the pangs of loneliness.

In some ways, I absolutely understand the rationale of planning out every minute of your day, particularly the weekends, to be filled with "something" so that you are so distracted that you forget your are lonely and longing for something more.

There is something to be said for making the most of your time; for using the gift of time that we have been given to reach out to others and touch those in need. I myself am looking for more ways to get connected with the community here; to find organizations and individuals that are in need that I can reach out to on a regular basis. I think that serving is a calling and a duty for everyone, but as singles we have to be especially creative and motivated to find the specific niches to which the Lord is calling.

But I do not think that the anecdote to our loneliness should or can be frenetically busy schedules. I truly admire singles who are able to take the time and courage to just be. With themselves. With the Lord. It takes courage to hear the echoes within our solitary hearts, and these moments of loneliness are moments that can be transformed from pain into grace.

In the end, I think that it is important that all of us, no matter what state of life that we are in, that we strive for a life of balance. As singles, who do have the luxury of having more free time but I think that it is a responsibility for us to cultivate moments of meditation, silence, and rest in order that our active lives might be more fruitful and intentional. Obviously, for the amount of time spent in activities versus rest will depend on our temperaments and preferences. Finding that balance is a challenge, though, and one that can only be reached through prayer, reflection, and receptivity to the Holy Spirit.

Bibliotherapy

Last weekend I had a handful of events planned, and ironically, each one of them fell through in succession. I had something planned for Saturday evening, only to find that it had gotten cancelled. Since I had set aside my evening for this event, I didn't have any backup plans.

Once again, frustrated to be in a new city all by myself, I tried to figure out what I could do that would make me feel better. There are only so many things that one can do alone on a Saturday night -- things like going out to a new restaurant or somewhere downtown are not options -- these things just make one feel even more alone.

The librarian in me didn't need a second thought. "I am going to spend the evening a Borders!" I thought to myself triumphantly. Getting lost in the shelves of colorful new book covers and paging through a variety of books sounded like a great and comforting option.

So that's exactly what I did. I headed straight over to Borders, and spent an hour and a half perusing the shelves, surrounded by other bibliophiles and the company of good books. It was quite enjoyable.

Before I left the store, I decided that I would allow myself one purchase. After all, I rationed, one book cost the same as I would have spent on a weekend dinner out or a movie. The question was, what book did I want to spend company with tonight?

I was a literature major who should only like classic, bona fide literature, I do have a weakness for "fluffy" Christian historical fiction. I know, I know, it is often not the most well-written of the genres. But there are some quality Christian fiction writers. And if nothing else, this genre provides lighthearted and entertaining reads; I also enjoy the historical aspects of some of these books and the historical world that the characters inhibit.

So, I wanted to find one of these books to escape away in, follow the characters, and be captivated by a story.

I really didn't know what to select because I don't know enough about Christian fiction to know the best new authors, so what ever I picked was probably going to be a gamble.
I ended up picking the book by Karen Witmeyer called "Tailor-made Bride." It's a story about Hannah Richards, a young seamstress who moves to a new town in Coventry, Texas to establish shop. In Conventry, she meets J.T. "Jericho" Tucker, the rough and tumble livery man who thinks fashion merely encourages vanity, materialism, and greed and is vehemently opposed to a high-fluted lady like Hannah bringing these ideas to their small town. Hannah, on the other hand, can't figure out why this stubborn young man is so cold to her, and so opposed to women fashion and beautiful dresses. Hannah sees her work as a ministry of beauty in helping other women discover the fashions which highlight their God-given beauty.


The story follows the relationship of Hannah and J.T. through their series of misunderstandings, and eventually growing affection towards one another.

I have to admit, a part of me was attracted to this book because it's a story I would like have unfold in my own life. City girl moves to country town. Meets dashing cowboy (or in this case, horseman). She melts his heart. He woes her. They fall in love and live happily ever after.

It was a cute book. Definitely there were aspects of it that were cheesy, but overall it was very enjoyable. And it was great company for me on my Saturday night alone.

"We read to know we are not alone. " ~ C. S. Lewis

The Loneliness of Sundays

Many of my single friends and I have talked about how difficult Sundays are for us, particularly since many of us are far from our families. This morning on my way to 8:30am Mass at the Nashville Cathedral, I was thinking about how much I dislike going to Mass alone. I have felt that way ever since college since I would sometimes end up at a Mass without my close friends and be sitting in the pews next to strangers.

The loneliness of Sundays is exacerbated by the fact that Sunday is a family day, and our families are far away; we don't have the opportunity to attend Mass with our families, participate in family brunch, or spend the day hiking or museum perusing with our siblings.

Naturally, this loneliness is felt even more acutely for someone like myself who has moved to a new city and hasn't yet found a parish "home" or set community of like minded people to share Mass and meals with.

I was thinking that maybe experiencing Sundays alone is just harder for me than other people, because of my introverted, melancholic nature. However, when searching for something completely different, I stumbled upon this article on Heather King's blog, Shirt of Flame. (As an aside, for more information on Heather King and an orthodox assessment of her book, check out Matthew Lickona's review.) King writes about what she calls "The existential loneliness of Sundays", and I found her perspective very gripping:

"I've never quite understood why, but of all the times of the week, Sunday
tends to be when I most keenly feel my existential loneliness. Maybe it's
because Sunday is the day traditionally spent with family and (by choice) I
am far from my family. Maybe it's because Sunday reminds me of the poverty
of sleeping alone. Sunday is when I see my death before me and simultaneously feel so sorrowful, and so over-awed and grateful that I ever got to live at all, that my entire being “becomes” the Lacrimosa from Mozart’s Requiem.

I used to think I felt sad because the weekend was coming to a close--not that the weekend had usually been all that stellar. But recently I’ve been thinking maybe it’s because Sunday is the day we're most likely to go to Mass, and then we all leave, and Christ is alone for the rest of the week. Maybe Christ, too, feels especially far from his family on Sunday. Maybe Sunday is the day that he, too, feels most keenly the poverty of sleeping alone. Maybe, if we
wonder whether God ever hears us, he wonders whether we ever hear him. "

Good food for thought on this Sunday afternoon.

Emmanuel: Why Christmas is a big deal for single people

On my last blog, Contemplative in the City, I wrote at length about the cross that is present in the lives of single young adults: the cross of loneliness.

Whether you are searching for a spouse, still discerning your vocation, or just plain not sure what direction you are headed, the experience of loneliness is a daily reality for us singles. The challenge is to figure out how the Lord wants to bring fruit out of your solitude; and bring peace in and through this cross.

A week or two ago when I was driving home from work and thinking about the Advent season, I suddenly had a very convicting realization.

Emmanuel means God is with us. He came down from heaven to be one of us. To live amongst us and to love us. His identity as Emmanuel didn't end with the Ascension. He said to His apostles as He says to us, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20).

If we really, truly, believe this, our lives could be radically transformed. We are not alone. He has come to love us with the only love that will truly fulfill us. He wants to walk beside us, to come into our hearts and to live in union with Him.

Certainly, as human persons who are communal beings, we will always desire the friendship and love of other human persons. This is a good and holy desire. But these seasons, or in some peoples' cases, lifetimes of loneliness allow us to recognize that greater hunger more clearer; beckoning us to draw ever closer to the Lover of our souls.

If we take this to heart, that Emmanuel is coming, and truly internalize it, we will see that this Good News indeed.

He comes to each of us, the only answer to our fundamental loneliness. As singles, we have the opportunity to sense this ever more acutely.

So in this last week of Advent when we say "O come, O come Emmanuel", think about what Emmanuel really means, and how the Good News of Christmas has the power to transform your life. Come to the manger with your big dreams, your dashed hopes, your daily trials, your echoing heart.

Let us prepare Him room.