Submitting all things

Have you ever had that sudden, jolting realization about your spiritual life that for a brief moment, wakes you out of your spiritual stupor?

In particular, the realization that when you think you trusting, laying your life and your future in God's hands, surrendering to His will, suddenly as clear as day you see that there are one or two prayers that you do not believe God will answer? Parts of your heart that you refuse to lay bare to the Father, because you fear utter disappointment?

I struggle intensely with the tug-of-war between resignation to life's circumstances, and tenacious trust in God's power.

How do we expect that life will be full of our own "bitter cups", large and small, while clinging with hope against hope that Christ makes all things new?

I suppose that this is the Christian paradox, but one that we are called to wrestle with each step of the spiritual journey.

Do you with eyes lifted to the sky pray for the miracle, the gift? Or do you tense your back a little tighter because you anticipate the inevitability of the cross?

I am not graceful enough yet, to pray for the gift, to look into the Savior's eyes and plead with Him, that His will be done in my life. Is it that I am not brave enough to bear the cross? But I wonder if it isn't rather, that I am not brave enough to bear the gift.

I am not brave enough to realize that the Father, when I ask for an egg, will not give me a scorpion (Luke 11:11). I am not brave enough to trust in the depth of His love and the way that it covers all things in my life.

It is moments like these that make me realize that my faith often coasts on the firm grounds of life, but falters when it must leap.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to." ~ Philippians 4:6