What holds you back?

In the Lenten season, it is easy to focus on external practices. Most especially, to let our Lenten devotion be predominated by the penances we choose. No chocolate. No TV. No meat. etc. Fasting and strengthening our self-discipline are extremely important things for us to cultivate, this is true. But it is so easy to stop here, at the more material penances, than to use the season of self-denial to really probe into further introspection.

Something God has brought to the forefront of my heart this Lent, is to look at the things inside my heart that hold me back from Him. Is it chocolate? Is it the radio? Is it meat? I can definitely over indulge in these things, and there is plenty of room in my life for more discipline. But there are far, far deeper things that are holding me back from truly allowing myself to feel the love of God.

For starters...

discouragement
lack of trust
not truly believing I am worthy of the love of God
not enough thirst for holiness
self-centeredness

I think God is calling me to begin to let go of THESE things in my life.

How do you even begin to give up "lack of faith in God"? I'm just going to guess that this is not something that can be completely rooted out in 40 days. But, if I allow God to take a shovel to the soil of my heart, and begin to loosen the soil around these weaknesses...this is progress. After all, it's only by getting rid of these dark weeds that suffocate a chance for complete surrender to God, that there will be room for His love to truly take root and reside.

Time to write again

Any artist or creative person knows that art output can be seasonal. We have seasons of prolific production; more often we have seasons of stark dryness, amidst our best intentions. Sometimes we should push ourselves to write, create, and produce through the dryness. Other times, there is an inner voice that tells us to "be still." Likewise, sometimes there are so many intense, confusing, and energy-consuming events going on in our lives, that we desire to ponder, sift, and sort it all out internally. That's ok. When the springtime of creativity comes upon us again, we will know it, and we will have a new found desire to write, to paint, to sculpt, to sing - to sing our songs aloud again - the tunes and stories being all the richer after a deep season of creative winter.

All this to say, I think it's spring again for me. Something inside me is moving me to write again. I can't promise perpetual profundity, but at least I'll be writing. Thanks for coming along for the journey - hopefully I can devote at least a little time each week to writing here!

Words for today

"To Isaiah, the voice said 'Go,' and for each of us there are many voices that say it, but the question is which one we will obey with our lives, which of the voices that call is to be the one we answer. No one can say, of course, except each for himself, but I believe that it is possible to say in general to all of us: we should go with our lives where we most need to go and where we are most needed.

Where we most need to go. Maybe that means that the voice we should listen to as we choose a vocation is the voice that we might think we should listen to least, and that is the voice of our own gladness. What can we do that makes us gladdest, what can we do that leaves us with the strongest sense of sailing true north and of peace, which is much of what gladness is?Is it making things with our hands out of wood or stone or paint on canvas? Or is it making something we hope like truth out of words? Or is it making people laugh in a way that cleanses their spirit? I believe that if it is a thing that makes us truly glad, then it is a good thing and it is our thing and it is the calling voice that we were made to answer with our lives."

~~ Frederick Buechner, "Secrets in the Dark: A Life in Sermons -- Chapter 6, The Calling of Voices"

Be still

"Be still and know I am God" ~ Psalm 46:10

There is something about Advent, particularly this year, that makes me think of the beauty and value of stillness. Perhaps it is the image of that still night in Bethlehem, amidst the starry sky, that the Savior was born. Perhaps it is the stillness of Mary's heart that especially comes to mind - her courageous "Fiat" to bear the Son of God and her singleheartedness to be obedient to God's plan; perhaps it is the beautiful description of how when Christ was born she "pondered all of these things in her heart" (Luke 2:19). Clearly, Our Lady was able to embrace the grace of living in the moment, contemplating the glory of the Lord in her heart and not letting the distractions of the world distract her gaze on the things of the Lord.

It reminds me again how I need stillness in my life. Or, more specifically, stillness in my heart. I am pretty good at "sitting still" and do try to not overload my schedule so much that I don't have at least some time for prayer, reflection, and contemplation. But the time I carve out for these things isn't always a number one priority for me as it should be. Even more so, I see the need in my life for stillness of heart. For having the grace to be still in the Lord -- to know that He is God. Such a simple statement, but what a profound impact it would have on a life that it truly penetrated.

There have been a lot of distractions in my life lately. Mostly good things -- new activities, new opportunities, new people and friendships. But in navigating new territories, my heart has definitely become prone to distraction. Wondering how things will work out. Wondering how all the pieces fit together. Wondering what I should say. Wondering what God thinks. Wondering what's next. A thousand thoughts clamor for my attention, and at the end of the day I find myself exhausted.

"Be still, and know that I am God."

If I could let this stillness seep in, peace would pervade, and those thousand thoughts will be quieted by the knowledge that there is just One that I need.

And in contemplating the One, in basking in this stillness I can wait with a steadfast heart for the coming of my Redeemer.

Not mine to hold

In my women's bible study, we recently talked at length about Hannah and her incredible faith. We marveled not only at the faith and perseverance of Hannah in her steadfast prayer to God to grant her a son, but in her complete surrender of offering her son back to God after He had granted her petition. That a woman could give back to God the very gift that she had been praying for, for so very long, is just mind-boggling. Somehow, in her intense faith, she saw that the greater gift was not just that God granted her a son, but that she could then in turn give her son back to God.

When God grants us a prayer, gives us that gift for which we have been so long begging Him -- isn't it within our nature to hold that gift as tightly as possible? To cherish it closely, never let it out of our sight, and, even though subtly, hold our arms around it protectively, so that it cannot be taken away from us?

Even if it's a little thing, just the hint of the possibility of a desire fulfilled; do we snatch it up and build walls around ourselves? Say to ourselves with satisfaction, "It's about time!" Or, on the other hand, do we hover around this gift, tip-toeing softly, making sure we do not mess it up, or do anything that might destroy the pearl of happiness that stands so precariously in our midst?

It could be a new job, a longed for adventure, the hope of conceiving a child, the blossoming of a new relationship, a new found consolation in the Lord, a refreshing peace of soul. Whatever it is, it is that Evasive Thing; the missing piece to our happiness that we have pleaded for, and pleaded for, and pleaded for. And for all we know, once we get a whiff of it, we better dare not let it out of our sight, lest we never encounter the opportunity once more.

It's funny, the lengths the heart goes to define, and mold, and protect its happiness. As if these things were really ours to hold. When in reality, "every good and perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17) and it is offered to us in His perfect timing, for the glory of His name. I'm pretty sure that the sooner I realize this, and the sooner I acknowledge that everything is His, the sooner peace will prevail in my heart. As I was thinking about all of this and the little ways it is playing out in my life right now, I heard this song by Audrey Assad, "Everything is Yours." It was such a comfort and inspiration to me. A reminder to let go; to give everything back to God. The only thing that I am called to hold onto is the Love which holds me.

For friends

Recently heard this duet by Amy Grant and Nicole Nordeman, and thought it was so moving. Apparently it is based on the friendship of Ruth and Naomi. Once again, makes me realize the gift I have in friendship with so many beautiful, holy women. I am so grateful to be walking this road of life with such dear friends. Many of us single ladies know the joys, hardships, and confusion of this stage of the journey all too well. And one of the things that make the challenge much more bearable is by bearing eachother's burdens, by lifting eachother's faces, and by walking on His path, side by side as we try "to gather up [our] dreams/trying to hold on to anything". As the song says, "Until your heart, finds a home / I won’t let you feel alone / I’m with you, I’m with you, with you" Gals, your strength and perseverance encourages me; your friendship and solidarity blesses me. I'm with you!

tidbits

Wow, I feel like every time I finally decide to write a post, I have to include some sort of an apology or introduction since it's been such a long time since I last wrote. Busy-ness is the main reason for my blogging silence, along with a lack of inspiration of topic ideas and just generally losing some interest, I suppose. So some random tidbits to get the writing juices flowing again...

1. Last month a few young ladies and began a bible study on the women of the bible. It's been wonderful to have fellowship with other young professional ladies like myself. Young adult groups have their place, as does lots of casual time spent in the company of friends. But there is something really special and valuable about getting together with other women who are in the same state of life as you (young and single) and praying together and encouraging each other to grow in holiness. I have already been very blessed by this opportunity, and am grateful for the added accountability and spiritual focus which it has offered me.

2. I have been thoroughly enjoying the autumn here in Tennessee. The days have been sunny, but cooler, and the leaves are on the cusp of changing colors. My parents and youngest sister came down to visit this weekend, and we had a lovely time enjoying Nashville in the fall. One of the highlights was attending a "Full Moon Picking Party", where hundreds of people gathered at a lovely state park to listen to bluegrass bands while sitting out on blankets and folding chairs under the starry sky and (almost) full moon. In addition to the main acts, there were dozens of small circles of "pickers' playing their mandolins, ukuleles, guitars, and other bluegrass instruments. Refreshments for the evening included delicious kettle corn. Tennessee culture at it's best!

3. My current spiritual theme in life is, trusting that I am where God wants me, while continually trying to walk forward into the new "places" He wants to take me. More than anything, these places are new ways of understanding, new risks I am taking, deeper ways to perceive what He has given me, in this very moment.

4. I am beginning to get hungry. I think I will make some Persian Lentil Soup for dinner. The sun is setting and it is starting to get chilly again. Perfect time for some soup!